Sunday, May 11, 2014
how to not run away from the ones that love you?
Photo via: Milan madhjamaka
I’ve been with him for just over a year. I’m a runner by nature. As in,
when things start to get serious, when they start to feel permanent, I
leave the man I am with. This is one is pretty much perfect. Kind,
considerate, handsome, affectionate, generous, head over heels in love
with me. So in love with me, that it scares me. How can he get so
invested? He says he wants to build his life around me. The thought scares
me. I am down to earth, practical, a career first kind of girl. I wanted
to build my life around a place, a job, a career. Once all that was
settled, I figured I would meet someone and fall in love and maybe even
settle down. But love happened first. And now I am unsure whether to keep
it. Unsure because the longer I am with him, the more in love with me he
is, and all the while I am not sure if I will stay here. Maybe I’ll
travel, maybe I’ll go to grad school, maybe I’ll take a job across the
continent or even the world. I am unsure if he fits into those plans or
not. And because I’m afraid, because he is blameless, I have started
picking little fights, being stand-offish, secretly hoping to send him
over the edge and force him to break up with me, because I’m too cowardly
to be the bad guy. But I can’t push him away like the others, he sees
through it, and holds tight. It fills me with happiness and breaks my
heart all at the same time.
So to the people that are like me, and run away when they get scared of
the intensity of their feelings or the feelings of the one they’re with,
what do I do? Did you regret running away? Or was it better for you in the
long run, and less hurtful to the person you left?
To the people that got left behind, do you wish he or she had stayed? Or
was leaving you the best thing they ever did for you in the end?
I just want to put it out there that it’s not that I feel I don’t deserve
to be loved. I’m just not sure if this is the time or place to be in so
deep. I am afraid how madly and selflessly he loves me. It’s like I’m his
air or something. It’s frightening, but thrilling. But can you love too much?